September 8, 1999

Welcome to the first installment of my journal! I don't know how to start, where to begin, so I am just going to start plugging away. I figure that I'll let whatever is on my mind come out on the screen. I hope none of it scares you away! (grin)

This just may be a week of firsts for me! It is very thrilling, yet also kind of scary. But none of it will make any sense if I don't give some background. (Consider this a very, VERY condensed version of the soon-to-be-written story of my life that I'll post in another section on the website).

I have been a cross dresser for as long as I can remember. And, for as long as I can remember, I've hidden this fact from pretty much everyone in my life. Just recently, however, I've started seeking out people that I can talk to about my crossdressing.

I found a transgender support group in Littleton. Monday night, I will be attending a meeting there. If things go well, I plan on going to meetings there as often as I can. It will be very nice to be out and about with people who share this same personality trait.

It's going to be pretty damned scary to go there, though! This is a huge step. It's actually going out in public, being in front of people and admitting that I am a crossdresser. When I stop to think about it, I get terrified.

Fortunately, one of my bestest buddies in the world, Sue, has agreed to go to the meeting with me. She actually is the one who suggested I go to the meeting, and volunteered to go with me. Sue is a great lady; you could say that she is a mother-figure to me! (grin) With Sue's help, I am pretty sure that I'll be able to go. I plan on taking an outfit with me (black dress, white top, black shoes), but I doubt I'll have the courage to walk out into the room dressed.

The other first (or possible first) is also another big step for me. And also requires background information. One thing that I've always noticed is that, while I am dressed, I find myself excited by the thought of having sex with a man. I become decidedly bi-curious.

I've always considered myself heterosexual. For many years, I never allowed myself to even contemplate being with a man, except for fantasies that I buried deep within myself. When I dressed, these fantasies came closer to the surface. But I would still squash them down as far as I could.

Since starting therapy last October, I've been coming to terms with my bi-curiosity. One question my therapist posed to me is, how do I know that I am not bisexual? Or gay? It's a question that I have spent a lot of time pondering.

I do now know that I am not gay. I truly love women. I love touching women, kissing women, making love to women. My attraction and sexual attraction to women is genuine and natural. I can't imagine living the rest of my life without the companionship of a woman.

However, I cannot say that I am not bisexual. Because I don't know. While I have only met one man that I was remotely attracted to, the thought of having sex with a man is very exciting to me. I think this is a case where, if I don't experience having sex with a man, I'll never know whether or not I am bisexual.

And that leads to my other first. I have a date with a man this Sunday! Or at least I think I do. I made a date with a man; it's just been a few days since we've spoken since then. So he might have decided to cancel on me. It's hard to say.

I used to think it was hard to get a date with a woman. Now I know better! Getting a date with a woman is a breeze compared to getting a date with a man. Society has so stigmatized same-sex relations that its almost impossible to meet someone in public (without going to a gay nightclub or something). It is also hard to take that first step and actually meet someone that you do want to go out with.

I'm babbling, which means I should be closing this journal entry soon. I hope that I do get to go on a date with this guy. If things go well, .... well, that's for another update, I think.

I'll close this entry out with a few quick thoughts:

• I now understand why people recommend not having sex with friends. It can put a big strain on a friendship. Fortunately, our friendship has been strong enough to overcome the problems sleeping together caused.
• Ross is, without a doubt, one of the best places for a crossdresser to shop. The people there are very helpful and friendly, and don't bat an eye when a big, burly man wants to try on a dress.
• One thing the relationship with Lyn taught me is that I cannot afford to not stand up for my needs in a relationship. I needed to kiss, to be held, to share physical affection as well as verbal affection. I didn't stand up for these needs, however. And that is when things started going to hell in our relationship.
• Of course, nothing could've saved the relationship. I wasn't at a point where I was ready for a relationship. I have just been running from a mistake that I made about seven months ago, and the relationship with Lyn was another way of running. So it wouldn't have worked in the end anyway. But it would've been a much more pleasant relationship if I had stood up for my needs, even if that meant walking away from the relationship.
• Colorado State whipped CU's ass Saturday afternoon. I just had to point that out! (grin)

That's all for this week, everyone! Thanks for reading! If you'd like to write back to me, my email address is nysafuller@gmail.com.

Bye!!!

   (c)1999 Nyssa

   First written September 8, 1999

   re-posted April 12, 2012