Men are scum! Pigs! Dogs! Whatever other explitives you can throw on the stack. I have heard women say this for years (mostly on tv and in movies, of course). It is only now, that I have first-hand experience, that I see exactly what they are talking about.
The man I was supposed to have a date with on Saturday turned out to be married. Married! And, even worse than that, he was looking to sneak around on his wife with me!!!!! I have never in my life felt cheaper or more disgusted in another person. Or in myself.
Needless to say, I have ceased all contact with this person (John). And since that happened (Saturday morning), I've been trying to understand why my reaction was so strong. Especially since we never even actually met; we just talked on the telephone.
Of course, it didn't take too much reflection to realize why I reacted so strongly. It's because I have been on the husband's side of the betrayal. I have been the one who was unfaithful to a partner. And it is the worst thing that I've ever done in my life.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. Even when we don't do what Life wants us to do, our actions and the results have a have a purpose, they fulfill some function. When one does what Life expects, everything definitely has a reason behind it. One experiences what one needs to.
Am I living my life as Life wants? Right now, I think I am. I feel like I am finally back on the path that Life wants me on. Everything that is happening right now is something I need to experience. I can learn something from everything that is happening.
So I consider this a significant, important event in my life. That a man wanted to cheat on his wife with me is significant. That it echoes what I did in January of this year is even more important. this happened for a reason. What can I learn from this?
The first thing that I see is my moral state of mind right now. (Disclaimer: I fully believe that two people of the same sex getting together to have sex is not immoral. If you don't believe this, then you may not agree with that statement.) I am at a point now where I can see that cheating on someone (or helping someone to cheat), for whatever reason, is wrong. That is something that I couldn't see at the start of this year.
In January, I was faced with a decision: should I remain faithful to a woman that I loved, but in a relationship that I saw problems in, or should I betray that woman, turn my back on the relationship, all to be with another woman who fed a part of me I felt was being neglected. As you've probably guessed by now, I chose the wrong option.
Instead of sticking it out with the woman I love and fighting for our love, I gave in to temptation. It was definitely NOT what life wanted me to do. I have seen the pain that I caused to that woman. I now fully understand that pain. And I now fully regret the decision that I made. I broke the one promise to her I swore I would never break: I hurt her and then I left her.
Seeing that I was capable of deserting someone like that, of hurting someone that deeply, of so easily breaking my promises... it wasn't very pleasant. i did not want to see a person who could do such things look out of the mirror at me. At first, I denied it was me. I denied I could do this to someone that I loved. I even tried convincing myself that I didn't love her! It was the only way I could stand to look in the mirror at that time.
This is obviously not a road one wants to go down. Denial can lead to much worse things. And that definitely happened in my case. It eventually led to a point where I felt the need to punish myself for what happened. And that explains my relationship with Lyn.
But I digress!
The situation, while different, is sort of the same. Instead of being in a relationship with problems, I am alone. Feeling lonely, vulnerable (who, me? (grin)), and really wanting to experience sex with a man. I was at a point where it would've been easy to convince myself that it was okay to ignore the fact that we were hurting his wife, and just enjoy the sexual experience.
But I couldn't do that. Going through with it never really crossed my mind. the second that he told me he was married and was sneaking, everything was off as far as I was concerned. All I could think about was the pain that this would cause his wife. There was never a chance that I'd go through with it.
So what have I learned from this? Lesson #1- I am making improvements to myself. I am a good guy at heart, and I am once again living up to my potential. I am a good guy. I have to keep telling myself that until I fully believe it!
Lesson #2 - It is okay to regret the decisions that I've made this year. However, it is NOT okay to punish myself for making those mistakes.
Lesson #3 - I whole-heartedly regret the decisions I've made this year. Especially at the end of January and most of the month of February.
Aside from this, there hasn't been much going on this week. I haven't been in a mood to dress lately. It's a low period in the cycle. (Soon to be added to the FAQ: the cycle refers to the desire to dress in women's clothes. Most crossdressers go through some form of the cycle. Basically, the desire to dress alternates between a strong desire to wear women's clothes to a strong desire to NOT wear women's clothes. The highs and lows vary by person.) The cycle started going down before I found out about John, so I don't think there's a relation there. Which is too bad; I've been trying to determine catalysts for direction changes in the cycle. I guess I'll just have to keep looking.
I've noticed some interesting things in my own cycle lately. The way it used to be, I went to two very disparate extremes. (These are the same extremes that I've seen others go through.) At one extreme, all I could think about was dressing. It would consume most of my thoughts. There were actually times when the desire was so strong that I wore women's underwear under my clothes when I went to work.
When things changed, I'd go to the other extreme. I'd be so against crossdressing that I'd actually box up all of my femme clothing and throw it away! Sometimes there were hundreds of dollars worth of clothes that would go straight into the dumpster! This has happened at least four times in my life. Maybe more.
However, since I've acknowledged and accepted this part of myself, and have started nurturing this side of myself, the cycle has really flattened. I still have up and down points. The extremes are much closer together now, though. On a down time, I don't feel like dressing. But I am not against cross dressing. I don't feel the need to throw out everything that I own and try to hide that part of myself. When I am in an up period, then I dress a lot when I am at home. The desire isn't consuming; I don't think about it at work, and I don't try to wear anything femme under my male clothes.
It seems that, the more I accept and acknowledge this part of me, the easier it is to gain balance in my life. I guess that there's a lot of common sense to that somewhere. All I know is that it feels right.
I think this is a good place to stop typing. I wish everyone a wonderful week! I hope you come back soon!
Thanks for reading! If you'd like to write back to me, my email address is nysafuller@gmail.com.
Bye!!!
(c)1999 Nyssa
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