September 15, 1999

Well, so much for my week of firsts! This was a week of missed opportunities. I hate it when things like that happen! (grin)

My friend Sue ended up having a horrible toothache on Friday. She had to have a root canal, and was in no shape to go to the meeting. So we put that off until this next week. That was no problem for me; I was just concerned about Sue. (She is feeling much better now, by the way).

As for my date, the guy never contacted me! I don't know what's up with that. I haven't heard from him since. But that might be for the better.

Around the end of March, a guy had replied to an online personal ad I had   placed. We started emailing back and forth for the next three months or so. Around this time, we both started getting very busy at work, however, and didn't have time to communicate.

Monday evening, he contacted me again. He actually sought me out on Yahoo. I was pursued! (grin) We talked a couple of times on the phone since then, and things are going very nicely. We have a date planned on Saturday Maybe this time I won't get stood up?

Other than that, this has been a good week. I had a therapist appointment today. I've learned a lot about myself, and about the way that I deal with my feelings. Especially fear. Fear is one of those emotions that I try not to feel. I have definite ways that I deal with it. Eating is the biggest.

One thing I've found is that, when I give myself time to be alone, I've made a lot of progress this year. I have a feeling the next six months are going to be some of the most theraputic months that I've had in my life. I am now ready to face a lot of things about myself. Maybe ready for the first time in my life. My favorite dress!

My favorite dress

I came to a huge realization today. One of the reasons that I've been unhappy in my life is because for so long I was trying to hide from my cross-dressing. I was trying so hard to not be a cross dresser. I wanted to not want to wear women's clothes. I wanted to be what everyone else says is normal. I wanted to make myself change. Some way, any way, to change. And as time went on and I kept not changing, I kept getting more and more depressed.

Since I've started accepting this part of myself, to allowing this part of myself to come out without guilt, without looking down on myself, the depression has gone away. I am a much happier person since I've started exploring this in myself. I can't tell you how liberating it has felt to put up this website, to take these pictures! I feel like I am being completely me for the first time in a long, long time.

Not that I need to wear women's clothes to feel this way. There've been times in my life when I did feel this way. But I have repressed this part of me so long that opening up has created a wonderful feeling that I haven't experienced in a long time.

There are other things that I had wanted to talk about this week, but I've since forgotten what they were. It's very late here, and it's time for me to go to bed. I'll be back next Wednesday with more; hopefully by then I'll remember what I have forgotten now.

I wish everyone a wonderful week!

Thanks for reading! If you'd like to write back to me, my email address is nysafuller@gmail.com.

   Bye!!!
   (c)1999 Nyssa