September 29, 1999

Hello again, everyone! No rants from me this week. I am off of my soapbox (I think that I made my point last week). I am in far too good a mood to be really upset about anything! :-) This week's article may be a little bubbly; I apologize in advance! :-)

You may find that this week's journal entry has very little to do with crossdressing and transgenderism. I hope that doesn't disappoint you. This journal is meant to be a chronicle of my life; as such it will mirror my life. I don't spend all of my time (or even most of my time) crossdressing. This journal won't be focussed on crossdressing all of the time.

I spent a lot of time this weekend on my personal (semi-)daily journal. I've found that journalling really helps me get in touch with my feelings and thoughts. But I've also found that the private journal is incredibly difficult to write in. I have a habit of trying to find a way to avoid writing in the journal. I think that's a problem that I'll continue to have for a while. I am getting better at it, but there are obviously times that I am afraid to dig at my feelings too deeply.

One of the main topics I've been working on in my journalling regards my sexuality. I've written in depth here about my desire to have a sexual encounter with a man. I have written over and over that I needed to have this experience so I can determine what my sexual orientation is. I've sounded very certain about this fact with what I've written here. But I haven't been so sure of myself in my head. And I didn't realize it until I forced myself to sit down and write about it.

I've been telling myself that I need to have this experience to determine what my sexual orientation is. But that was never really a question about that. Once I sat down and searched my feelings, there wasn't a doubt. I am heterosexual. It is not in me to fall in love with, to have other romantic feelings for, or to be attracted to a man. It's that simple.

This isn't a hasty decision or revelation on my part. I am 30 years old, after all. I've had at least 17 years or so since I finished puberty, since I started finding myself attracted (emotionally and physically) to other people. And I've always been attracted to women. I've never felt any type of attraction for a man.

I do find the idea of same-sex contact erotic. Sorta like I find the idea of having sex in a public place erotic. But I don't want to actually have sex in a public place. The idea is erotic, but to actually do it is not something that I would want to do. The idea is erotic mainly because it is a fantasy. To make it reality would be to take away the mystique, to take away those elements that makes this erotic.

I had actually discussed this point with my therapist almost exactly a year ago. At the time, he put it better than I'll ever be able to: "It's a fantasy, and there's nothing wrong with fantasies. But fantasies don't need to be acted on. They can remain fantasies."

I guess at the time I wasn't at a point in my life where I was ready to believe that. Hell, even last week I wasn't at a point where I was ready to believe that. But I can finally understand what he meant. I can feel that truth within me. I'm not paying lip service to that idea now (as I did back then); this time I really believe it.

Needless to say, I cancelled the date that I had set up on Saturday. I also removed all of my personal ads online, and apologized and explained the situation to the man I had been talking with. This is a fantasy that will be best remaining a fantasy.

In last week's update, I listed a few things that I was sorry had happened over the past year. The more that I think about the tone I used in discussing them, the more I realize that I am still beating myself up over my actions. Like I've said elsewhere (though it might have been in my private daily journal), it is okay to regret the choices I've made. It's not okay to beat myself up over those choices. It doesn't help at all, and can end up making things worse for everyone involved. This is something that I will be working on continually; trying to make sure that, when I do have regrets, I do so in a healthy way.

That's all that I really have time for this week. This is a bit of a short update; I may add more on Saturday. It is now time to go to sleep, I think. I hope everyone has a good week!

Oh, I've been wanting to start a new "feature" of these weekly journal updates (maybe this will turn into a section off the main page, too). That is "Songs of the week." I don't mean like a Billboard-type countdown. :-) There are certain songs that can really relate to what a person is going through. Every week, I am going to list the songs that best fits in with my week. It'll be up to you, the reader, to determine what those songs say about my week. :-)

This week's songs:
Almost Home - Mary-Chapin Carpenter
Night To Remember - Joe Diffie

Thanks for reading! If you'd like to write back to me, my email address is nysafuller@gmail.com.

Bye!!!

(c)1999 Nyssa