The new outfit is here!

I've gotta get back to work, but first, here's how the new outfit looks on me. LOVE it! It feels so feminine!

Clothing splurge!

Just splurged on a new outfit:

I hope it comes close to looking good! I mean, I know it won't look good on me, but I hope that it looks good for me.  :)

- Nyssa

How fast can I move?

Well, that was exciting! I would write it out again, but I already have. So I'll just paste in the txtmsgs I sent the last few minutes:

Me: sorry I disappeared. E and the kiddos came home unexpectedly. :O 3:42 PM
SL: Uh oh... Quick change! 3:48 PM
Me: well, semi-quick. The body shapers don't exactly come off quickly... I hid in our pantry. :D 3:50 PM

Me: E and the kiddos came home unexpectedly. :O 3:42 PM
TL: Oh no what happen?:-O 3:43 PM
Me: I hid in the pantry downstairs and undressed as fast as I could!!! I was fully dressed, so it takes a bit longer than normal. 3:44 PM
TL: Oh crap.:-/ 3:49 PM

You get the basic idea. I got surprised while dressed. This is a common thing to happen to cross-dressers, but it's only the second time it's happened to me. And the first time didn't even really count, 'cuz it wasn't exactly close.

Note to self: two body shapers, nylons, a bra and a dress is not an easy outfit to take off...

To today!

So the previous posts were all stuff that I wrote way back in '99. I'm going to flash-forward to today. I'm going to write more later, but for now, lemme give some updated pics:

So apparently blogger won't let me easily put two pics up in a row. Bummer.

Sorry about the facial pixelation. I am married and have children. My wife is very nervous about someone we know stumbling across this website while surfing the web. If I were single, I'd go ahead and post my face with the pics - I've gotten a little more confident than back in '99. However, I understand her concerns and will respect her wishes. So here's the "America's Most Wanted" version of my pics.  :)

- N

September 29, 1999

Hello again, everyone! No rants from me this week. I am off of my soapbox (I think that I made my point last week). I am in far too good a mood to be really upset about anything! :-) This week's article may be a little bubbly; I apologize in advance! :-)

You may find that this week's journal entry has very little to do with crossdressing and transgenderism. I hope that doesn't disappoint you. This journal is meant to be a chronicle of my life; as such it will mirror my life. I don't spend all of my time (or even most of my time) crossdressing. This journal won't be focussed on crossdressing all of the time.

I spent a lot of time this weekend on my personal (semi-)daily journal. I've found that journalling really helps me get in touch with my feelings and thoughts. But I've also found that the private journal is incredibly difficult to write in. I have a habit of trying to find a way to avoid writing in the journal. I think that's a problem that I'll continue to have for a while. I am getting better at it, but there are obviously times that I am afraid to dig at my feelings too deeply.

One of the main topics I've been working on in my journalling regards my sexuality. I've written in depth here about my desire to have a sexual encounter with a man. I have written over and over that I needed to have this experience so I can determine what my sexual orientation is. I've sounded very certain about this fact with what I've written here. But I haven't been so sure of myself in my head. And I didn't realize it until I forced myself to sit down and write about it.

I've been telling myself that I need to have this experience to determine what my sexual orientation is. But that was never really a question about that. Once I sat down and searched my feelings, there wasn't a doubt. I am heterosexual. It is not in me to fall in love with, to have other romantic feelings for, or to be attracted to a man. It's that simple.

This isn't a hasty decision or revelation on my part. I am 30 years old, after all. I've had at least 17 years or so since I finished puberty, since I started finding myself attracted (emotionally and physically) to other people. And I've always been attracted to women. I've never felt any type of attraction for a man.

I do find the idea of same-sex contact erotic. Sorta like I find the idea of having sex in a public place erotic. But I don't want to actually have sex in a public place. The idea is erotic, but to actually do it is not something that I would want to do. The idea is erotic mainly because it is a fantasy. To make it reality would be to take away the mystique, to take away those elements that makes this erotic.

I had actually discussed this point with my therapist almost exactly a year ago. At the time, he put it better than I'll ever be able to: "It's a fantasy, and there's nothing wrong with fantasies. But fantasies don't need to be acted on. They can remain fantasies."

I guess at the time I wasn't at a point in my life where I was ready to believe that. Hell, even last week I wasn't at a point where I was ready to believe that. But I can finally understand what he meant. I can feel that truth within me. I'm not paying lip service to that idea now (as I did back then); this time I really believe it.

Needless to say, I cancelled the date that I had set up on Saturday. I also removed all of my personal ads online, and apologized and explained the situation to the man I had been talking with. This is a fantasy that will be best remaining a fantasy.

In last week's update, I listed a few things that I was sorry had happened over the past year. The more that I think about the tone I used in discussing them, the more I realize that I am still beating myself up over my actions. Like I've said elsewhere (though it might have been in my private daily journal), it is okay to regret the choices I've made. It's not okay to beat myself up over those choices. It doesn't help at all, and can end up making things worse for everyone involved. This is something that I will be working on continually; trying to make sure that, when I do have regrets, I do so in a healthy way.

That's all that I really have time for this week. This is a bit of a short update; I may add more on Saturday. It is now time to go to sleep, I think. I hope everyone has a good week!

Oh, I've been wanting to start a new "feature" of these weekly journal updates (maybe this will turn into a section off the main page, too). That is "Songs of the week." I don't mean like a Billboard-type countdown. :-) There are certain songs that can really relate to what a person is going through. Every week, I am going to list the songs that best fits in with my week. It'll be up to you, the reader, to determine what those songs say about my week. :-)

This week's songs:
Almost Home - Mary-Chapin Carpenter
Night To Remember - Joe Diffie

Thanks for reading! If you'd like to write back to me, my email address is nysafuller@gmail.com.

Bye!!!

(c)1999 Nyssa

September 22, 1999

Okay, I am going to start off with this first. It isn't the most important thing on my mind right now, but it is at the top of the list to write about. Because it sorta leads directly into the most important thing I want to say. Confused? You won't be, after this week's episode of "Nyssa's Journal." (Who here remembers Soap?)

Men are scum! Pigs! Dogs! Whatever other explitives you can throw on the stack. I have heard women say this for years (mostly on tv and in movies, of course). It is only now, that I have first-hand experience, that I see exactly what they are talking about.

The man I was supposed to have a date with on Saturday turned out to be married. Married! And, even worse than that, he was looking to sneak around on his wife with me!!!!! I have never in my life felt cheaper or more disgusted in another person. Or in myself.

Needless to say, I have ceased all contact with this person (John). And since that happened (Saturday morning), I've been trying to understand why my reaction was so strong. Especially since we never even actually met; we just talked on the telephone.

Of course, it didn't take too much reflection to realize why I reacted so strongly. It's because I have been on the husband's side of the betrayal. I have been the one who was unfaithful to a partner. And it is the worst thing that I've ever done in my life.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. Even when we don't do what Life wants us to do, our actions and the results have a have a purpose, they fulfill some function. When one does what Life expects, everything definitely has a reason behind it. One experiences what one needs to.

Okay, I am babbling. But I have a point to make. Please, bear with me.

Am I living my life as Life wants? Right now, I think I am. I feel like I am finally back on the path that Life wants me on. Everything that is happening right now is something I need to experience. I can learn something from everything that is happening.

So I consider this a significant, important event in my life. That a man wanted to cheat on his wife with me is significant. That it echoes what I did in January of this year is even more important. this happened for a reason. What can I learn from this?

The first thing that I see is my moral state of mind right now. (Disclaimer: I fully believe that two people of the same sex getting together to have sex is not immoral. If you don't believe this, then you may not agree with that statement.) I am at a point now where I can see that cheating on someone (or helping someone to cheat), for whatever reason, is wrong. That is something that I couldn't see at the start of this year.

In January, I was faced with a decision: should I remain faithful to a woman that I loved, but in a relationship that I saw problems in, or should I betray that woman, turn my back on the relationship, all to be with another woman who fed a part of me I felt was being neglected. As you've probably guessed by now, I chose the wrong option.

Instead of sticking it out with the woman I love and fighting for our love, I gave in to temptation. It was definitely NOT what life wanted me to do. I have seen the pain that I caused to that woman. I now fully understand that pain. And I now fully regret the decision that I made. I broke the one promise to her I swore I would never break: I hurt her and then I left her.

Seeing that I was capable of deserting someone like that, of hurting someone that deeply, of so easily breaking my promises... it wasn't very pleasant. i did not want to see a person who could do such things look out of the mirror at me. At first, I denied it was me. I denied I could do this to someone that I loved. I even tried convincing myself that I didn't love her! It was the only way I could stand to look in the mirror at that time.

This is obviously not a road one wants to go down. Denial can lead to much worse things. And that definitely happened in my case. It eventually led to a point where I felt the need to punish myself for what happened. And that explains my relationship with Lyn.

But I digress!

Obviously, I have been working through a lot of emotional crap concerning this whole issue. For something to come along which forces all of these emotions back up to the forefront cannot be a coincidence. There must be some significance there.

The situation, while different, is sort of the same. Instead of being in a relationship with problems, I am alone. Feeling lonely, vulnerable (who, me? (grin)), and really wanting to experience sex with a man. I was at a point where it would've been easy to convince myself that it was okay to ignore the fact that we were hurting his wife, and just enjoy the sexual experience.

But I couldn't do that. Going through with it never really crossed my mind. the second that he told me he was married and was sneaking, everything was off as far as I was concerned. All I could think about was the pain that this would cause his wife. There was never a chance that I'd go through with it.

So what have I learned from this? Lesson #1- I am making improvements to myself. I am a good guy at heart, and I am once again living up to my potential. I am a good guy. I have to keep telling myself that until I fully believe it!

Lesson #2 - It is okay to regret the decisions that I've made this year. However, it is NOT okay to punish myself for making those mistakes.

Lesson #3 - I whole-heartedly regret the decisions I've made this year. Especially at the end of January and most of the month of February.

Aside from this, there hasn't been much going on this week. I haven't been in a mood to dress lately. It's a low period in the cycle. (Soon to be added to the FAQ: the cycle refers to the desire to dress in women's clothes. Most crossdressers go through some form of the cycle. Basically, the desire to dress alternates between a strong desire to wear women's clothes to a strong desire to NOT wear women's clothes. The highs and lows vary by person.) The cycle started going down before I found out about John, so I don't think there's a relation there. Which is too bad; I've been trying to determine catalysts for direction changes in the cycle. I guess I'll just have to keep looking.

I've noticed some interesting things in my own cycle lately. The way it used to be, I went to two very disparate extremes. (These are the same extremes that I've seen others go through.) At one extreme, all I could think about was dressing. It would consume most of my thoughts. There were actually times when the desire was so strong that I wore women's underwear under my clothes when I went to work.

When things changed, I'd go to the other extreme. I'd be so against crossdressing that I'd actually box up all of my femme clothing and throw it away! Sometimes there were hundreds of dollars worth of clothes that would go straight into the dumpster! This has happened at least four times in my life. Maybe more.

However, since I've acknowledged and accepted this part of myself, and have started nurturing this side of myself, the cycle has really flattened. I still have up and down points. The extremes are much closer together now, though. On a down time, I don't feel like dressing. But I am not against cross dressing. I don't feel the need to throw out everything that I own and try to hide that part of myself. When I am in an up period, then I dress a lot when I am at home. The desire isn't consuming; I don't think about it at work, and I don't try to wear anything femme under my male clothes.

It seems that, the more I accept and acknowledge this part of me, the easier it is to gain balance in my life. I guess that there's a lot of common sense to that somewhere. All I know is that it feels right.

I think this is a good place to stop typing. I wish everyone a wonderful week! I hope you come back soon!

Thanks for reading! If you'd like to write back to me, my email address is nysafuller@gmail.com.
Bye!!!

(c)1999 Nyssa

September 15, 1999

Well, so much for my week of firsts! This was a week of missed opportunities. I hate it when things like that happen! (grin)

My friend Sue ended up having a horrible toothache on Friday. She had to have a root canal, and was in no shape to go to the meeting. So we put that off until this next week. That was no problem for me; I was just concerned about Sue. (She is feeling much better now, by the way).

As for my date, the guy never contacted me! I don't know what's up with that. I haven't heard from him since. But that might be for the better.

Around the end of March, a guy had replied to an online personal ad I had   placed. We started emailing back and forth for the next three months or so. Around this time, we both started getting very busy at work, however, and didn't have time to communicate.

Monday evening, he contacted me again. He actually sought me out on Yahoo. I was pursued! (grin) We talked a couple of times on the phone since then, and things are going very nicely. We have a date planned on Saturday Maybe this time I won't get stood up?

Other than that, this has been a good week. I had a therapist appointment today. I've learned a lot about myself, and about the way that I deal with my feelings. Especially fear. Fear is one of those emotions that I try not to feel. I have definite ways that I deal with it. Eating is the biggest.

One thing I've found is that, when I give myself time to be alone, I've made a lot of progress this year. I have a feeling the next six months are going to be some of the most theraputic months that I've had in my life. I am now ready to face a lot of things about myself. Maybe ready for the first time in my life. My favorite dress!

My favorite dress

I came to a huge realization today. One of the reasons that I've been unhappy in my life is because for so long I was trying to hide from my cross-dressing. I was trying so hard to not be a cross dresser. I wanted to not want to wear women's clothes. I wanted to be what everyone else says is normal. I wanted to make myself change. Some way, any way, to change. And as time went on and I kept not changing, I kept getting more and more depressed.

Since I've started accepting this part of myself, to allowing this part of myself to come out without guilt, without looking down on myself, the depression has gone away. I am a much happier person since I've started exploring this in myself. I can't tell you how liberating it has felt to put up this website, to take these pictures! I feel like I am being completely me for the first time in a long, long time.

Not that I need to wear women's clothes to feel this way. There've been times in my life when I did feel this way. But I have repressed this part of me so long that opening up has created a wonderful feeling that I haven't experienced in a long time.

There are other things that I had wanted to talk about this week, but I've since forgotten what they were. It's very late here, and it's time for me to go to bed. I'll be back next Wednesday with more; hopefully by then I'll remember what I have forgotten now.

I wish everyone a wonderful week!

Thanks for reading! If you'd like to write back to me, my email address is nysafuller@gmail.com.

   Bye!!!
   (c)1999 Nyssa

September 8, 1999

Welcome to the first installment of my journal! I don't know how to start, where to begin, so I am just going to start plugging away. I figure that I'll let whatever is on my mind come out on the screen. I hope none of it scares you away! (grin)

This just may be a week of firsts for me! It is very thrilling, yet also kind of scary. But none of it will make any sense if I don't give some background. (Consider this a very, VERY condensed version of the soon-to-be-written story of my life that I'll post in another section on the website).

I have been a cross dresser for as long as I can remember. And, for as long as I can remember, I've hidden this fact from pretty much everyone in my life. Just recently, however, I've started seeking out people that I can talk to about my crossdressing.

I found a transgender support group in Littleton. Monday night, I will be attending a meeting there. If things go well, I plan on going to meetings there as often as I can. It will be very nice to be out and about with people who share this same personality trait.

It's going to be pretty damned scary to go there, though! This is a huge step. It's actually going out in public, being in front of people and admitting that I am a crossdresser. When I stop to think about it, I get terrified.

Fortunately, one of my bestest buddies in the world, Sue, has agreed to go to the meeting with me. She actually is the one who suggested I go to the meeting, and volunteered to go with me. Sue is a great lady; you could say that she is a mother-figure to me! (grin) With Sue's help, I am pretty sure that I'll be able to go. I plan on taking an outfit with me (black dress, white top, black shoes), but I doubt I'll have the courage to walk out into the room dressed.

The other first (or possible first) is also another big step for me. And also requires background information. One thing that I've always noticed is that, while I am dressed, I find myself excited by the thought of having sex with a man. I become decidedly bi-curious.

I've always considered myself heterosexual. For many years, I never allowed myself to even contemplate being with a man, except for fantasies that I buried deep within myself. When I dressed, these fantasies came closer to the surface. But I would still squash them down as far as I could.

Since starting therapy last October, I've been coming to terms with my bi-curiosity. One question my therapist posed to me is, how do I know that I am not bisexual? Or gay? It's a question that I have spent a lot of time pondering.

I do now know that I am not gay. I truly love women. I love touching women, kissing women, making love to women. My attraction and sexual attraction to women is genuine and natural. I can't imagine living the rest of my life without the companionship of a woman.

However, I cannot say that I am not bisexual. Because I don't know. While I have only met one man that I was remotely attracted to, the thought of having sex with a man is very exciting to me. I think this is a case where, if I don't experience having sex with a man, I'll never know whether or not I am bisexual.

And that leads to my other first. I have a date with a man this Sunday! Or at least I think I do. I made a date with a man; it's just been a few days since we've spoken since then. So he might have decided to cancel on me. It's hard to say.

I used to think it was hard to get a date with a woman. Now I know better! Getting a date with a woman is a breeze compared to getting a date with a man. Society has so stigmatized same-sex relations that its almost impossible to meet someone in public (without going to a gay nightclub or something). It is also hard to take that first step and actually meet someone that you do want to go out with.

I'm babbling, which means I should be closing this journal entry soon. I hope that I do get to go on a date with this guy. If things go well, .... well, that's for another update, I think.

I'll close this entry out with a few quick thoughts:

• I now understand why people recommend not having sex with friends. It can put a big strain on a friendship. Fortunately, our friendship has been strong enough to overcome the problems sleeping together caused.
• Ross is, without a doubt, one of the best places for a crossdresser to shop. The people there are very helpful and friendly, and don't bat an eye when a big, burly man wants to try on a dress.
• One thing the relationship with Lyn taught me is that I cannot afford to not stand up for my needs in a relationship. I needed to kiss, to be held, to share physical affection as well as verbal affection. I didn't stand up for these needs, however. And that is when things started going to hell in our relationship.
• Of course, nothing could've saved the relationship. I wasn't at a point where I was ready for a relationship. I have just been running from a mistake that I made about seven months ago, and the relationship with Lyn was another way of running. So it wouldn't have worked in the end anyway. But it would've been a much more pleasant relationship if I had stood up for my needs, even if that meant walking away from the relationship.
• Colorado State whipped CU's ass Saturday afternoon. I just had to point that out! (grin)

That's all for this week, everyone! Thanks for reading! If you'd like to write back to me, my email address is nysafuller@gmail.com.

Bye!!!

   (c)1999 Nyssa

   First written September 8, 1999

   re-posted April 12, 2012

Hello, everyone! Welcome to my journal. I must warn you upfront; this journal is very personal, and very real. It may not be suitable for those under the age of 18. Also, if discussions about sex or transgender issues make you uncomfortable, you won't want to read my journal, either.

If you've gotten past the warnings, then click a link below! I can't guess now what I'll be writing about in the future. (I don't think I'd want to, even if it was possible.) While the main focus of this website and this journal regards how I deal with my transgender issues, that won't be the only issues that I discuss here.

Basically, anything that is on my mind when I write the journal entry will probably go into the journal. I find journalling to be theraputic, and I don't like censoring myself. This ought to be pretty interesting. And scary. And maybe fun, too! :-)

Welcome to my Web site!

Hello there! My name is Raymond. I am what you can describe as an ordinary average guy. I am 29 years old, Hispanic, and a bit overweight. I have an ordinary job at a computer company. I am of average height, and am average-ly good looking. If you passed me on the street, you wouldn't look twice at me (unless either I looked familiar to you, or I looked attractive to you).                                                                                                                                

My hobbies and interests are, for the most part, normal. I like to watch sports on tv. I like to go for drives in the mountains. I love to watch movies. I love to read, and to listen to country music. I love to play with my cat. All very normal activities.                                                                          
                                                                                         
In most ways, I am an ordinary man. That is how my coworkers, family and most of my friends see me. That is how I present myself, and that is how I see myself.        
                                                                                         
I'm an ordinary man, but there's one attribute about me that, if known, would change the way people think about me. I would no longer be considered ordinary; I would be labelled strange or weird or perverted or, worst of all, as a freak.

What could possibly change a person's impression of me so drastically? Am I a  satanist, sacrificing children and small animals? Definitely not! Am I a rapist? No! A spouse beater? I couldn't even conceive of hitting the woman I was with.        
                                                                                         
So what is it? I am simply a man who likes to wear women's clothing.
                                                                                         

I am a crossdresser. I am also a member of the transgender community. I identify strongly with both masculine and feminine gender roles. Wearing women's clothing allows me to satisfy my feminine side, which is routinely neglected because daily life insists that I stay in the masculine role. Crossdressing has been a part of me for all of my life. To me, this is a natural urge.                  
                                                                                         
This site is very personal. While I will try to add many resources from the transgender community, the main aim of this site is to share my story, my experiences and my views with you. It is my hope that you'll be able to see transgender issues from a different point of view. And maybe, just maybe you'll be able to see the person that I am, whether I am wearing pants or a dress.              
                                                                                         
   - Nyssa, 8-31-99, reposted 4-10-2012