Just chilling out, catching in some writing time...

Two media suggestions:

Transparent on Amazon.com
In the Mind Of a Cross-dresser (mid-day.com)

Trans-woman attacked at a mall

Interesting story, one which hits kinda close to home because I've had an experience that was very similar to this.

First, the woman's story:

...the cashier unleashed a torrent of hateful comments. “He called me a faggot and told me to fuck off,” said Vaughan.

“I was completely shocked,” she said. A security guard then approached her, and according to Vaughan, asked her to leave. “I have to remove the problem,” the security officer said to Vaughan. “I wasn’t the problem, he was,” she replied, and he asked her to leave again. (gayrva.com)

Crabtree Valley Mall (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Now, my story. I was in Durham, N.C. on a business trip. During the day, I was in boy mode, once the work day was over, I would go straight back to the hotel, get into my girlie clothes, put on makeup, and then I headed out and about. I decided that a mall should be a safe place, so I went to the Crabtree Valley Mall. I walked in, and headed straight to Sephora.

Sephora has a reputation for being very trans* friendly - I figured that I could go there to boost my confidence being out. And I figured I could have one of Sephora's makeup artists to help me pick out some foundation while I was there.  :)

Things seemed to start out okay, one of the Sephora people walked up to me and asked what I wanted. I explained what I needed, and she told me "sure, let me go get one of our makeup artists." All well and good, right?

10 minutes passed. Then fifteen. I saw the makeup artist standing at the back of the store, just looking at me. One of her associates came over to talk to her, and the makeup artists said "I don't care, I am not going to help one of those." Eventually, one of Sephora's managers came out and apologized. I said something unintelligible, and then fled out of the shop, out of the mall, out of the parking garage.

So much for getting my confidence up!!!  :P

Hooray, no more "panic" defense!!!

I think it's horrible that anyone was ever able to use the "panic" defense to begin with. Nobody should be able to injure or kill a person, and then get off the hook because they "panicked" when finding out the other person was gay or trans*. This is absolutely heinous! Thank goodness, it's just about over:

“There is absolutely no justification for the use of ‘panic defenses.’ Clearly this tactic has been utilized by defendants, unjustly targeting members of the LGBT community, based on damaging stereotypes,” Assemblywoman Susan A. Bonilla said in a statement Wednesday. “With AB 2501, we are moving forward to ensure equality in our courts and making it very clear that discrimination against the LGBT community is intolerable and unacceptable.”  - advocate.com

Sometimes victories are small, and sometimes they are big. This one is huge!

Related articles

• US: California bill outlawing trans and gay panic defenses headed to governor
• California Takes A Stand Against Gay and Trans Panic Defenses in Criminal Cases
• Ban on 'gay panic defense' heads to governor

Hotel shot - Durham, N.C.

Be careful on Skype....

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I got myself dressed up and made up yesterday, leaving out only a wig. I was working from home, and got lost in the problem I was trying to solve. Skype's ringtone started playing, and I looked up to see that it was my mom calling. I answered the call, totally forgetting that I was dressed!

I had reading glasses on, and it's kinda dark out here, so there's a chance she couldn't tell. If she could, she didn't mention it. And she didn't seem surprised. I was very surprised, though! I couldn't do anything except talk.  :)

My wife pointed out later that the sweater I was wearing looks very girlie. She thinks that my mom noticed, but just didn't say anything.

Eeeek!

(Yes, I am a 40+ year old. Yes I am still hiding this from my mom. Yes I still worry about disappointing my mom.)

:)

Still around

Just wanted to let everyone know that I am still around! It's been a hectic, crazy year so far, but I am hoping that things can get back to normal soon.

Tips for being a transgender ally

Found an interesting article on InfoBarrel giving tips on how to be an ally for transgender people. There are some excellent tips in this article. One of the ones that I would share with my non-transgender is:

Defend them: If you are witnessing discrimination or harassment in the form of transphobia then speak up; don’t just stand there and let it happen. The more people ignore the issue, the more people are going to think that harassing transgender people is an acceptable behavior and therefore keep doing it!

Related articles

• Teen accused of threatening to shoot East Millinocket transgender student
• We don't buy transphobia
• From school to society, the intolerance transgender people face | Jill Filipovic

The right to be who I want to be...

I have talked quite a few times about already about getting dressed and leaving the house.  It is something that I've wanted to do many times. I jump started myself earlier this year. I got myself dressed up - in what I think isn't a bad way - and made an excursion to my third place, the Gender Identity Center here in Denver. This is where the monthly cross-dressers meetings are held. I've been enough times that I feel very comfortable there. Comfortable enough that I've gone there dressed outside normal meeting times on a number of different occasions.

This pic shows the first time that I went to the GIC during a "normal" day. I know you can't really tell because of the pixelization, but I have a great big smile on my face! Being out, in the middle of the day, going about my business like there was nothing different from me than anyone else. Do you wanna talk about a sense of freedom? A sense of belonging? A sense that whatever others might believe, I have the right to be me!!! It was fantastic, absolutely incredible. Might even say life-changing.

Related articles

• Thursday April 11 Discussion - GLBT labels
• 10 Historical Cross-Dressers
• Transcendent Transexuality
• Gender identity laws vs. religious freedom

Out of my comfort zone, into the wilderness

Enjoying a bright, sunny day here in Denver. This was my first time out of the house and the safety of the local gender identity center.

Another post about going out dressed

Cross dresser going for a coffee run by David Shankbone (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In a previous post, I linked an article giving suggestions for a cross-dresser to go out while dressed. I found another article over basically that same thing. This was also posted in 2009, which makes me think that is when I should've started going out myself. :)

Anyway, the article is from Crossdresser Heaven. Vanessa describes her first experience going out while dressed. It's quite funny. And it has police officers in it!

As it turns out, the police officer wasn’t outside my apartment waiting for crossdressers and he didn’t pay me much mind. I got into my car without any problems, and was off to my first Tri-Ess meeting.

Over exaggerated fear of what will likely never happen. That’s what I experienced the first time I went out crossdressed, and I have a hunch that I’m not alone.

Read the full story here.

One of these days, I'll post some of my excursion stories.  They range from pathetic (running out in the rain in a sports bra, shorts and pantyhose) to the awesome (taking nature pictures on a walking trail).

Related articles

• Benefits of getting out
• Another Cross-dressing meeting (June 4, 2012)
• September 8, 1999

Benefits of getting out

Not me! [grin] (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Found an older post on +Jessica Who? titled 15 Steps To Better Crossdressing. One of the tips was about going outside, getting out of the house for closed cross-dressers. This hit pretty close to home since I've only been out and about a couple times in the last few years. All of those times were recently, so it's a topic that is close to mind.

For those who can step out, it is a liberating experience often difficult to put into words. There are many obstacles that we face along the way and just being ourselves out in the world can help us overcome a lot of negative issues.

I've gotta tell you, Jessica hits right on the nose with that one. Having to stay closeted adds into that feeling of being an outsider, being abnormal. My subconscious tells me "you have to stay inside because you are a freak, and can't be seen by anyone else!!!" (Yes, I tend to have a bit of a self-degrading side.)

Being out there, though. It's liberating, but not just in a "I don't have to hide away in my cave" way. The stronger part of being liberated, though, is it allows one to shed some of that "I am a freak and have to be invisible" feeling. When one is out - even if it is only for a drive, going to a park, going through a Starbucks drive-through - one feels normal. One feels like they are not isolated, not an outcast.

For anyone who hasn't, try to find a safe place, or a safe time, and go for a drive dressed! Just that little bit of freedom can make you feel incredible!

- N

Another Cross-dressing meeting (June 4, 2012)

Headed to another cross-dressers meeting on Friday night. This time around, I was feeling pretty confident. My plan was to get to the meeting, sneakily slip into my new skirt and top, then do my makeup. That almost worked, though it turned out that I am not very sneaky. It took forever for me to get into the damned things without showing the world much more than they'd ever want to see of me! T thought it was hysterical, absolutely hysterical!

One thing that didn't occur to me 'til we were half-way to the GIC: it was going to be bright daylight out when we got there. The last time I was able to go to a meeting, it was nice and concealingly dark outside. This time around, not so much. I had no choice but to change and get made up out in the daylight. Eeek!

So after the humiliating fight with my outfit, it was time to get started on my makeup. The first thing I noticed is that I didn't bring any eyeliner. Bummer! I figured I would try and compensate by doing my eyeshadow and mascara a little darker. That's when I noticed I was out of mascara. :P

As I was working on the eyeshadow, T said to wait just a sec. Up ahead, there was a late teenage boy walking straight towards us on the sidewalk. The kid was obviously either drunk or stoned - he could not walk a straight line. T was worried that the kid had seen me putting on eyeshadow. I put down the compact and tried to look normal as he passed by my car. I held my breath until he got past the back of the car, T didn't really relax until the kid was half-way down the block. Mi prima had my back!

After he passed, I finished putting on the makeup I did have with. I especially like the lipstick I have - my friend S is a Mary Kay rep and she got me set up with a good color. I definitely like it, dunno if anyone else did. Blended dark green (ivy garden) and light green (lemon grass) along with a brown (caramel). It made a pretty cool blend. I didn't get a good pic though.

It was another interesting meeting, if only for its mundaneness. I am always a little surprised - pleasantly surprised - that for the most part, its no different than any other club meeting. Linux meetings, political party meetings, cross-dresser meetings, they all boil down to one thing: a group of people sharing what interests them. Once you get past the initial "there's a man in women's clothing" reaction, everything else is extremely familiar.

This meeting we talked about buying girlie stuff out in public, some of the cool activities that the GIC and our meet-up group have planned for the summer, how people pick their names, etc.  There were times when I wanted to try and direct the flow of the meeting - I don't know when I picked up this meeting facilitator mindset, but it is there, and I get very annoyed if I think the pace of the meeting needs to be picked up or slowed down.

Anyway, after the meeting, I got back into guy mode, then T and I went home. After stopping for some refreshments at Sonic. Yum!

Mary Kay!

Here's my new makeup set:

Here's how my lips came out (lips are easy):

The new outfit is here!

I've gotta get back to work, but first, here's how the new outfit looks on me. LOVE it! It feels so feminine!

Clothing splurge!

Just splurged on a new outfit:

I hope it comes close to looking good! I mean, I know it won't look good on me, but I hope that it looks good for me.  :)

- Nyssa

How fast can I move?

Well, that was exciting! I would write it out again, but I already have. So I'll just paste in the txtmsgs I sent the last few minutes:

Me: sorry I disappeared. E and the kiddos came home unexpectedly. :O 3:42 PM
SL: Uh oh... Quick change! 3:48 PM
Me: well, semi-quick. The body shapers don't exactly come off quickly... I hid in our pantry. :D 3:50 PM

Me: E and the kiddos came home unexpectedly. :O 3:42 PM
TL: Oh no what happen?:-O 3:43 PM
Me: I hid in the pantry downstairs and undressed as fast as I could!!! I was fully dressed, so it takes a bit longer than normal. 3:44 PM
TL: Oh crap.:-/ 3:49 PM

You get the basic idea. I got surprised while dressed. This is a common thing to happen to cross-dressers, but it's only the second time it's happened to me. And the first time didn't even really count, 'cuz it wasn't exactly close.

Note to self: two body shapers, nylons, a bra and a dress is not an easy outfit to take off...

To today!

So the previous posts were all stuff that I wrote way back in '99. I'm going to flash-forward to today. I'm going to write more later, but for now, lemme give some updated pics:

So apparently blogger won't let me easily put two pics up in a row. Bummer.

Sorry about the facial pixelation. I am married and have children. My wife is very nervous about someone we know stumbling across this website while surfing the web. If I were single, I'd go ahead and post my face with the pics - I've gotten a little more confident than back in '99. However, I understand her concerns and will respect her wishes. So here's the "America's Most Wanted" version of my pics.  :)

- N

September 29, 1999

Hello again, everyone! No rants from me this week. I am off of my soapbox (I think that I made my point last week). I am in far too good a mood to be really upset about anything! :-) This week's article may be a little bubbly; I apologize in advance! :-)

You may find that this week's journal entry has very little to do with crossdressing and transgenderism. I hope that doesn't disappoint you. This journal is meant to be a chronicle of my life; as such it will mirror my life. I don't spend all of my time (or even most of my time) crossdressing. This journal won't be focussed on crossdressing all of the time.

I spent a lot of time this weekend on my personal (semi-)daily journal. I've found that journalling really helps me get in touch with my feelings and thoughts. But I've also found that the private journal is incredibly difficult to write in. I have a habit of trying to find a way to avoid writing in the journal. I think that's a problem that I'll continue to have for a while. I am getting better at it, but there are obviously times that I am afraid to dig at my feelings too deeply.

One of the main topics I've been working on in my journalling regards my sexuality. I've written in depth here about my desire to have a sexual encounter with a man. I have written over and over that I needed to have this experience so I can determine what my sexual orientation is. I've sounded very certain about this fact with what I've written here. But I haven't been so sure of myself in my head. And I didn't realize it until I forced myself to sit down and write about it.

I've been telling myself that I need to have this experience to determine what my sexual orientation is. But that was never really a question about that. Once I sat down and searched my feelings, there wasn't a doubt. I am heterosexual. It is not in me to fall in love with, to have other romantic feelings for, or to be attracted to a man. It's that simple.

This isn't a hasty decision or revelation on my part. I am 30 years old, after all. I've had at least 17 years or so since I finished puberty, since I started finding myself attracted (emotionally and physically) to other people. And I've always been attracted to women. I've never felt any type of attraction for a man.

I do find the idea of same-sex contact erotic. Sorta like I find the idea of having sex in a public place erotic. But I don't want to actually have sex in a public place. The idea is erotic, but to actually do it is not something that I would want to do. The idea is erotic mainly because it is a fantasy. To make it reality would be to take away the mystique, to take away those elements that makes this erotic.

I had actually discussed this point with my therapist almost exactly a year ago. At the time, he put it better than I'll ever be able to: "It's a fantasy, and there's nothing wrong with fantasies. But fantasies don't need to be acted on. They can remain fantasies."

I guess at the time I wasn't at a point in my life where I was ready to believe that. Hell, even last week I wasn't at a point where I was ready to believe that. But I can finally understand what he meant. I can feel that truth within me. I'm not paying lip service to that idea now (as I did back then); this time I really believe it.

Needless to say, I cancelled the date that I had set up on Saturday. I also removed all of my personal ads online, and apologized and explained the situation to the man I had been talking with. This is a fantasy that will be best remaining a fantasy.

In last week's update, I listed a few things that I was sorry had happened over the past year. The more that I think about the tone I used in discussing them, the more I realize that I am still beating myself up over my actions. Like I've said elsewhere (though it might have been in my private daily journal), it is okay to regret the choices I've made. It's not okay to beat myself up over those choices. It doesn't help at all, and can end up making things worse for everyone involved. This is something that I will be working on continually; trying to make sure that, when I do have regrets, I do so in a healthy way.

That's all that I really have time for this week. This is a bit of a short update; I may add more on Saturday. It is now time to go to sleep, I think. I hope everyone has a good week!

Oh, I've been wanting to start a new "feature" of these weekly journal updates (maybe this will turn into a section off the main page, too). That is "Songs of the week." I don't mean like a Billboard-type countdown. :-) There are certain songs that can really relate to what a person is going through. Every week, I am going to list the songs that best fits in with my week. It'll be up to you, the reader, to determine what those songs say about my week. :-)

This week's songs:
Almost Home - Mary-Chapin Carpenter
Night To Remember - Joe Diffie

Thanks for reading! If you'd like to write back to me, my email address is nysafuller@gmail.com.

Bye!!!

(c)1999 Nyssa